2017 · Life: Help I'm Alive

On the perpetual fear of being turned against

This is going to be brief, because it’s personal and also because I literally have 48 items on my to do list today and I’m going to a concert tonight so I don’t have too much time.

Screen Shot 2017-06-16 at 09.31.36
No, seriously. 48 items.

So, I have some trust issues, mostly of the kind where I expect people to go back on their promises or change their mind at a moments notice. Like right now, the boyfriend wasn’t in a super great mood this morning because the cat had- well, let’s not get into that. It was gross and she’s my cat so naturally I take responsibility for her. He never has to handle the less cuddly aspects of cat owner life and yet I’ve been sitting here spiralling all morning because he wasn’t chatty (and why would he be) to the point where I’m sighing and going “welp, better start packing now so I’m ready when he inevitably kicks me out.”  

I have no actual reason to think this is going to happen. He’s sweet, we have fun, we’ve quickly found a way to cohabit that works with our individual needs and yet every time something happens that breaks that ease I think this is it. I wouldn’t even question it if he asked me to get out and the ridiculous thing is that none of it is a big deal. It’s small stuff like how I didn’t close the freezer all the way one day when I hadn’t slept more than four hours, or cat stuff, or me going out every so often because I’m more social than he is or how he usually pays for dinner when we go out because I’m a poor artist and he’s a software engineer making more money than I’ve ever seen before in my life. It’s stuff that don’t matter, simple mistakes, things that he’s chosen to do because I could do without going out to dinner and just cook at home. I don’t even really suggest places we could go eat because if I pick the place, I pay the bill.

Sigh.

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