2017 · Life: Help I'm Alive · Science: brains

On being held back

This is going to get a little personal and I’d like you to keep that in mind as I manoeuvre my way through this. It’s 100% my experience and as such, it may reflect poorly on people around me – this is not actual critique. I have wonderful friends that I love dearly but sometimes they can get a bit… frustrating.

I’m a very driven person. I find it pretty easy to motivate myself to do something difficult, as long as I find it interesting and I have no patience for people who complain about their situation and never lift a finger to even attempt to change it. We’re not talking extremes here either, but rather ordinary stuff like “I wish I watched more movies” or “I’m so upset that I don’t exercise more.”  Things that are entirely fixable with just a little bit of effort – and yet nothing happens.

I’m also highly impatient, but in a pretty weird way. If there’s something I want but it takes time to get it, I can wait more or less forever. Maybe it’s because I grew up in a place where the buses only stopped five times a day (true story) but waiting in itself is not a problem for me, when it’s necessary. However, waiting for no reason? Oh god. I don’t know what kind of sick form of procrastination that is but I can’t stand it. If someone tells me they’ll make coffee while I grab a shower and that coffee isn’t on the way when I’m done? I’ll just make it myself, then.

Don’t get me wrong, I procrastinate a lot, usually because I’m trying to work out what the hell is going on in my head that makes me not want to move forward with whatever it is I’m doing. Procrastination as an emotional coping mechanism  is all the rage right now and I recognize a lot of these behaviours in myself – avoiding things that are emotionally daunting, even if they’re physically quick or easy. It’s fear and it’s a lack of compassion for oneself and all the other things the article linked brings up – it’s beatable, but you got to approach it in the right way.

The thing that bothers me with this is that I’m so easily influences by other people. I’m an ambitious, motivated person who can relatively easily piss myself off to the point where I stop dicking about. Problem is that I keep befriending people who aren’t ambitious or motivated. They have no goals for the future, no dreams, no drive to do the things that would make their life better or at least more comfortable and the more time I spend with them, the more I become like them. My well-being is negatively affected by spending too much time alone, but when the alternative is to spend time with people who slow me down… what am I supposed to do?

Make more friends, I suppose. Where are all you ambitious, motivated marathon runners at?


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