This is going to be pretty personal and introspective, so if you’re here for baking videos and fun romps in the wild, then maybe skip this post? Okay? Okay.
I’ve mentioned this a bit before, but I really think I’m in a slump. This usually happens from time to time, but the difference from before is that I can’t deal with it the same way I usually do. When I lived alone I paced the apartment and pissed myself off until I snapped out of it, and when I had a roommate we’d talk things through until I figured out what the actual underlying problem was. Here, with a new person? I can’t really do any of those things. Another problem may be that he’s pretty complacent – he makes a good living at a job he doesn’t particularly like but apparently tolerates enough to stay in, he has an apartment that’s fine, he fears change and confrontation (why he got together with me in the first place is a mystery) and overall he’s happy sticking to mostly the same routine every day.
I can’t live like that. I know this is just brain ghosts getting the better of me, but I’m seriously reconsidering how good it is for me to live here long term. It’s lonely during the day and kind of lacking in support and interest during the evenings. Don’t get me wrong, he’s an absolute sweetheart, he’s great to me, I love him but in some ways it’s just not clicking. I need someone to challenge me, I’ve always needed that and every time that person ends up being myself. I don’t have any art friends here (though I’m hoping to change that soon) and for most of my life I’ve been left to my own devices because I’m self-motivating and more than capable of doing pretty great on my own. That’s great, you know, but imagine what I could’ve done already if I had someone taking an active interest in what I do?
Thinking like this makes me bitter and I’ve noticed that I’m in a more lethargic mood than I like to be. I’m the happiest when I’m passionate and passion is something that’s sorely lacking at the moment. I love my job but what good is that when you don’t have anyone around that understands how great it truly is? It’s just disheartening, I guess, especially knowing that this is probably the way things will stay for as long as I stay here. Mostly I’m hoping this will blow over and I’ll regain my focus and fire and bite.
Maybe I’ll shave my head. That usually works.