Lately, I’ve been in a bit of a creative dip. I don’t like to talk about art blocks because that legitimises them as some outside influence and fuck that shit, honestly. Besides, it’s more like a lack of motivation, a loss of direction, an artistic ennui that’s settled in the wake of the move and cleaning up deadlines. Nothing is urgent, right now, which makes it the perfect time to work ahead of schedule and maybe even get started on some personal projects. I should be getting more done now than ever.
It’s hard, though. Harder than I’d like it to be and I’m sure part of it is hormonal and part is just adjusting to a completely new life style (I’ve never eaten out this much in my life before) but regardless of the cause I’m not a fan. I’m at my happiest when I work a lot, when I can call it quits at the end of the day and feel like I accomplished something substantial. This is why the restaurant business didn’t work for me. You work hard and then you do the same thing over again the next day until you break yourself. There’s no completion there, not really, and if there’s one thing that satisfies me more than anything it’s completing something. A work project, a video game, finishing a book. That’s the point of doing things and lately I haven’t been able to finish much of anything.
It’s probably okay to have these moments from time to time. Hills and valleys and all that, you have to relax and take care of yourself but where do you cross the line between self care and self sabotage? I want to produce, but the last few weeks I’ve been a consumer. It’s easier, more comfortable, doesn’t take any work and you get instant gratification (followed by instant guilt – I shouldn’t spend money, I should make money) but at the same time it makes me lazy. It’s so much better for me, physically and psychologically, to not worry about making rent right now but also, I could use just a touch of fear to keep me going. Just a little. I don’t ever want to be concerned about where my next meal is coming from again but I could do with a couple of hounds nipping at my heels.
Hopefully this will pass soon. I’d rather be a Hamilton than a Burr.